Without school, I’ve come to realised the incredible difficulties associated with centering myself. No actual schedule to follow, lots of ‘free time’. In my quest to be as productive as possible, I can fill up my time really quickly, but to what ends?
I always go down the 得过且过 route, aka the ‘daily grind’ stage in the picture above (which I’ve proudly produced myself). You are doing what you need to do, and everything in between is sucked into mindless usage of phones/ other distractions. When there’s a blur between each activity, I know that I’m no longer in the present. My mind has shut down in favour of nothingness – I am doing something without my mind processing it, and by extension permitting or willing it.
This usually goes on for a few days, where I turn up for my appointments and feel like ‘Ok I just need to pull through this’ – thereafter I lapse into the daily grind, and never feel rested. The thing about the daily grind is, you aren’t in control of what you do, so you do really stupid things like searching that random skirt on carousell obsessively when you aren’t really going to buy it – till midnight.
All these bad habits are at the back of your mind (thankfully so). You know you are not in a good state and it stresses you out. This part is what I call the rapid downward spiral which culminates in a ‘I will not do this anymore’, a drop-everything-immediately response. You then spend the day cleaning up your room, promising yourself that you will meditate everyday from now on.
I’m currently at this stage. Tossed some things, halfway through cleaning up my room. Printed out some planner printables, all ready to be Ms Organized. I am so afraid of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy though.
Acknowledgement of this cycle is the first step to breaking it I suppose.
The previous cycle (yes they are like menstrual cycles and I am aware of them) led to an awesome habit I have now though – journaling right before I sleep. This helps me indulge in a teeny weeny bit of reflection, which at least helps me distinct day to day.
Anyway, I was cleaning up and found my 2014 resolutions – I got a tad emotional because I achieved some of them, so I thought it’s time to give myself some credit for that. I mean, who’s ever going to be leading their perfect lives right? So yes, always be ready to admit your shortcomings, but never be too hard on yourself. Have a list of goals but don’t try to achieve all of them at once.
I need to finish cleaning up, also because my mum is coming home tomorrow!